It’s about time that I give you all an update. The short version is this: For the foreseeable future, there will be no more episodes of Evil Steve At The Movies. I’m not saying with 100% certainty that I will never make any more episodes, as I don’t want to close the door on the idea entirely, but at this time I don’t see it happening, especially not any time soon.
There were several things leading up to this decision, which I will get into a little depth about shortly, but recently the last push that I had received to make this decision was receiving another strike on my channel, and surprise, it was my review for Nutbag (Nick Palumbo’s other movie) that got the strike and taken down. I’ll go further back to where the seeds for the decision were planted and how they started to grow.
There had been many times in the past where, due to the self inflicted stress of pushing myself far beyond my limitations because I refused to accept them, that I wanted to quit. I could do writing and editing fairly well without too much strain, but aside from that, everything else was immensely stressful to achieve on my own. Filming and reciting the scripted dialogue was extremely difficult to manage without help and direction. Special effects were also not a strong area for me, which included editing effects. I could cut a scene together rather well, but I had to pretty much wing it when it came to special editing effects, as I have a hard time grasping how they work the best, and especially the area of how to film a scene that I’m going to have to add special effects to in post. The worst of all was the voice over work. It may seem like the easiest part of all, but for me it was the most difficult. I stutter, pause, slur my words, mispronounce, and jumble up my lines constantly. If I can get through more than one sentence at a time without a mistake I consider it a small miracle. It can take me almost an hour to get through just one normal sized paragraph of voice over lines. Once I’m done recording I always have an immense headache from the stress that it induces. But then, after all that stress and hard work when I had a finished episode I was filled with a great amount of pride.
Over time that feeling of pride started to fade. I would still be happy once I completed an episode, but it wasn’t the same. I was more just relieved that I was done with it. I wasn’t continuing out of enjoyment for what I was doing as much as I was doing what I felt was expected of me, not just expected from others, but the expectations I forced on myself, and finishing what I started. I had movies that I needed to get to, and a story that I was telling through the host segments that I needed to see through to the end. I had always wanted to create a riff show in the spirit of Mystery Science Theater since I was a kid, and after drawing inspiration from the Nostalgia Critic, Cinema Snob, and others within the internet reviewing community, I found a way that I could do it.
I had always used humor as a way of dealing with my shortcomings. I never realized it until, well, this year. But it has always been something that I had leaned on like a crutch and I never bothered questioning why. I had no idea how to make friends when I was little, so I would just act like a goof ball, or say dumb things that I thought people would find funny, and hopefully get them to like me. When I was older I started to adapt my humor differently to suit my lack of ability and knowledge of how to gain affection, and would criticize things that I didn’t like or understand, harshly with a vulgar, judgemental, and sarcastic humor that a lot of people seemed to take to. It felt like I was doing the right thing at the time. In hindsight, I was only pushing away anyone who would actually care, and drawing in toxic people who would only make me feel more hurt, lost and alone. And earlier this year I was finally able to discover why all of the things that seemed so easy for everyone else were so difficult for me, why I never knew for sure if what I said or did was right, and why I always felt depressed, anxious and alone even when I was surrounded by other people: I’m autistic.
It’s Asperger’s Syndrome specifically, but the revelation tore everything that I thought I knew about myself right out from under me. I thought forever that something had gone wrong along the way, some kind of series of events that led to me being an irreparably damaged human being. But it was there all along, and it explained everything: My behavioral problems when I was young, why I never knew how to make friends, why I never felt like anything I did or said was right, why I had such a hard time understanding the emotions of others and how to react appropriately, why all of my romantic relationships failed, why most of my friendships failed, and to avoid creating a list the length of a novella, I’ll just say that there were hundreds of other things about myself that I could never make sense of that became clear to me all at once. It was overwhelming.
Since then I’ve been basically rebuilding myself from the ground up, now having a much clearer idea of how to go about things; the people I need to repair relationships with, the toxic relationships that I need to let go of, the harmful coping behaviors that I used to address (or rather ignore) my problems, and most of all, accepting my limitations and realizing that it’s okay that I can’t do a lot of the things that others can. And a big part of my self improvement project was letting go of anything that had any kind of strong negative effect on me. This is where Evil Steve At The Movies comes in.
I still had movies to cover, and a story to tell, but it was doing me much more harm than good at the point I was at. It had been months since I had done a review, and I felt the pressure and stress from not having produced new content in so long. Not only that, but each week that passed I was gaining subscribers. It was only one or two a week, but I knew that each one would be expecting new content from me at some point. I had the next episode written, I had finished writing it probably a couple weeks after my Nutbag review was finished and uploaded, but I couldn’t bring myself to start making it. It was a bit more elaborate than a typical episode, and even the normal episodes were a strain for me to complete at that point. I put off working on it for that reason, and also because of my growing distaste for my own negativity. Even if I liked the film I was reviewing and would end up praising it at the end of the review, I just wasn’t feeling the same joy I used to feel from criticizing and making jokes about other people’s movies. Not that I don’t make fun of or criticize movies anymore (I almost posted a vlog about the atrocious live action Death Note movie that just came out because I wanted to vent about how much I hated it), but I didn’t want it to be the main focus of a scripted series. The negativity of the concept was something that I felt would still be harmful to me if I kept up with it, not to mention the stress of pushing myself to do something that was very challenging and stressful for me that I was doing more out of a sense of duty than personal satisfaction. Then Nick Palumbo happened again.
I had a feeling that he would strike again (Ah, see the pun I did there?) once I posted the episode. Sure enough, a few months later down my episode went, following the notifying email that I received. I already was leaning towards quitting, as the idea of it brought me great relief, and as I said earlier this was the final nudge that I needed to make my decision. So with that, I deleted my Gallooga Joe Productions Youtube channel.
BUT I do want you all to know that ALL of the episodes of Evil Steve At The Movies are still available to watch on galloogajoeproductions.com, and are now hosted through Vimeo. Also, I’m not quitting making content all together. I still plan on continuing with my “Steve’s Favorite Movies” series, as it still brings me great joy to talk about movies that I love and what they mean to me. Though, they do require scripted voice over narration, which as I’ve said, is very difficult for me, so they won’t be posted very frequently. The main thing that I will be focusing on as far as video content is concerned, is my gaming channel, which is GamingWithEvilSteve. These videos, along with everything else that I produce, will be posted here on my website. I love playing my old video games, and equally, I love sharing my experience of playing them with others, and these videos bring me a great amount of happiness to make, and I can do so with minimal stress as well. Aside from video content, I also want to do serious work on writing a book. My dream for the past 12 years or so was to make films. But the root of that desire is to tell stories, and given my limitations, books are where I’m best suited for as far as a creative medium goes, at least for now. It will take a long time to complete the book I am writing, as I don’t want to rush the process, but I’m already enjoying it immensely.
I’m very sorry to everyone who is disappointed or upset by this. And I don’t want anyone to mistake my feelings and think that I’m ashamed of Evil Steve At The Movies, or that anyone should feel badly about enjoying it. Simply put, the way the show is now just does not reflect the person that I am anymore. But it’s what people mostly know me for, and what every new subscriber will expect of me, and I don’t want this show to define me the way that I feel it does now. It’s something I’ve done, had a good time doing at one point despite the stress of it, something that I’m not ashamed of, but ultimately something that I think is time to leave behind me.
Thank you all for the support these past few years, and I hope that most of you will still stick around. But if not, I understand completely, and all the same and I’d like to thank you anyways.